a bittersweet goodbye to 5000m

last week i ran what was for all practical purposes my final 5000m race on the track. the buildup was intense and the race itself did nothing but live up to its expectations as the best 5000m race on United States soil for 2005. the winner ran 13:08, second and third were 13:20- all three very exceptional results and among the fastest times in the world for 2005. i am actually having a little trouble recalling a race on US soil faster than 13:08. but that's beside the point. the point is, the 13:08 was one bookend to a solid event. i was the other.

i had every intention of running 13:50 as i so meticulously calculated over and over before actually racing, but when it came down to it i was measured and found wanting. i ran a less than glorious 14:33 which resulted from splits of 4:26, 9:02 (4:36 second mile), 13:54 (4:52 third mile) 14:33 (39 sec last 200m). after i removed my hip numbers and strained to see my official time flash across the big screen, i tried desperately to absorb the final feelings from years of racing: the sting of heavy legs, the chill of a sweaty singlet, the cramping of my shoulders, and the eager (or in this case dreaded) anticipation of the final verdict- my time. but i felt nothing but sadness.

i slowly pulled my laces free from my feet and walked along lane 7 to the start of the race where my coach and clothes were waiting. i passed a well-wisher telling me i'll "get it next time" and a group of runners who i know that didn't say anything (they knew this was a time for solitude). the drums that kept rhythm during the race were quiet and the stir along the backstretch was that of the next race. athletes were fresh and alert, the same emotions possibly slipping in and out from thought as i had only 15 minutes prior. i took care not to walk too close to the outside lane where spectators were lingering. i spent the walk concentrating on unpinning my chest bib and apparently looking for fallen change on the track. after immediately grabbing my clothes from the side of the track, i moved to the tables were our team had set up camp to change and begin my cooldown. as i tried to get to the tables as quickly as possible i was sidetracked by a friend who had driven quite a while for the race- and felt obligated to acknowledge this person rather than continue my self-imposed "final walk". i then briefly said hello to a couple other well-wishers and explained to my coach that i honestly could not have run any harder than what i just did. and that is the absolute truth.

"well, Gags- i just don't think some people can run 13:50"
"son, you're right"

sounds cruel, doesn't it? of that night i appreciate two comments, this honesty being the first. the second was from a friend who was also in the race and ran rather well. Bolota's status as a 2000 Olympian and multiple top 3 in the country finishes at various distances does not prevent him from discussing things other than running and through which i have a great respect. i reasoned with him briefly about why i'll miss the track and he generously supplied this thoughtful response:

"you know, whatever happens here is unimportant. you will always be one of my favorite runners. because of who you are as a person"

i'm now tired. the cooldown is looming and i'm still sulking in what it is that i'll miss from the track. i never really liked racing the 5000m, but i knew this was my shot to reach the national meet and i won't be able to ever run this event at the United States Championships.