the $ of success

i'll always wonder what i could have been doing this year. not just this year, i guess, but all the years i have been running. could i have been a better student? could i have appreciated my family a little more? could i have been turned over in a bathtub of jello shooters so i didn't choke on my tongue in college rather than get ready for a workout? without question, i could have- but i decided differently. i decided to forego all the classic early twenties madness, soul searching (technically i'm late twenties), and ladder climbing for something much greater: a chance to live with 7 other atkins diet haters, a ridiculously low annual income (sometimes i wonder if it is more of an "outcome"), a health provider by the name of "band-aid and advil", and all the self-inflicted physical suffering one can possibly imagine. these are my greatest of days!

i've lived for so long with running as my chosen focus, i forget why when i'm not careful. running becomes such a habit, such a necessity- almost better than a cup of coffee in the morning- almost. it is that thing that MUST be done throughout the day that will rise above all else. just ask any runner who HAS to smash a run into the day after a cross country flight or a runner who will ignore both ends of a perfectly operating outdoor thermometer. but running is NOT a drug. a drug implies the result is what is desired. that's not the running i know.

i see running as a process, a chance to feel movement. racing gives me a chance to be perfect. i'm fully convinced of two things when racing: 1. the perfect race will always be in itself the perfect result. 2. i am not alone in my thoughts of #1. i've been lucky enough to have a few examples in the realm of the perfect process, but i'm looking f>o>r>w>a>r>d to the next event.

$500 waits for me this weekend. quite a huge payday for 30 minutes of running but a small bit of change for all the hours i've prepared. some feel $500 isn't really such a big deal for a race and i'm certainly not one of those people. i can win the race, i'm sure. i feel fit and ready: a 4:08 mile (3:51@1500m, a 3 second pr) at the end of practice thursday assurred me i'm not as sluggish as i thought and i know my aerobic fitness can handle any pace from nearly anyone in the area (the others i feel who would make it a race are at another event this weekend). this is the perfect "cherrypick" road race. i SHOULD race this event and pick up the check. i NEED to race this event and pick up the check. but i won't be on the start line.

instead i'll be recovering from my saturday long run on sunday and preparing for a sure fire ass-kicking the following weekend at stanford. there will be guys at least 30 seconds faster than me in the 5k even if i run what i consider a perfect race next sunday. so why in the name of my checkbook will i forgo a sure win and 500 clams? because of the chance at perfection. part of the process is always the people and i can't wait to prepare for the experience with them. i can't wait to see how sunday unfolds and how i'll reflect on taking a chance at perfection when i'm 50 years old rather than scooping up $500. this is actively selecting running. this is the prize for trying: a chance.