the collapse of a perfectly good 3k.

from what i can gather about a race there tends to be a certain point at which the racer knows the preparation will meet the demands of the event. for great athletes this occurs well before the gun goes off. for great competitors this revelation happens at the toughest, most lonely and adverse part of the race. and for the "practice champs", this occurs with a swelling of frustration at the end of the race- through the finish line with an embarrassed and sick look hidden by the head hanging down (or searching the sky for some previously unnoticed answer).

i, as unfortunate as it is, found myself again in the final category. i am a VERY GOOD practicer. i am confident and sure of my abilities and can handle any workout thrown my way with nearly any athlete. this is not a statement of arrogance (which borders oh-so-close to confidence) but rather an explanation of how painful it is to be a part of a race that is everything one could want and total screw it up.

i ran 8:17 for 3000m. the pace was fast up front (4:11 or so at the mile) and i hit 4:17-18 for my first mile (on pace was 4:16). still, i was in the back of the pace and felt fine about it- no sense of panic yet. i then slowed to 5:26 at 2000m (68 second 400m, need to run 64 second 400m). two weeks before i had easily run 5:30 for 2k after a very slow first lap (71). but yesterday i was in trouble fading to 5:26. i proceeded to run the next lap in 69 and felt horrible. my arms were coming up to my ears and my head started to tilt up and to the right (classic indication of fatigue for me). at this point i knew the race was in the gutter. i don't know what the last lap was in but i'm pretty sure it wasn't fast. i held off a couple guys in the last 100m, but as i mentioned to someone after the race, my running 68 seconds/400m was not very impressive passing guys running 70 seconds. i'm still running s-l-o-w. and the last guy i passed told me it was his first race back from recovering from mono. ugh. i earned that 8:17, for sure.

the worst part of the event is having to talk to people after the race. my parents drive 3-4 hours to watch me for 8 minutes and i'm a cursing asshole after the race. i'm pretty sure they didn't teach me to react to a bad (and really, how "bad" can a race be? i didn't get hurt and get to do the sport i love...) situation with blinding anger and disappointment. my reaction is an excuse, that's for sure. as i told my dad, it feels like i've been running high school times for the last 4 years. despite my irritation this is not true of course. it might be that i KNOW i can run faster, i KNOW i can be a great competitor, and i KNOW i can be a great athlete. they shouldn't be subjected to my demons- as insignificant as these demons are in the large picture of the world. i feel a good race justifies the sacrifices of the last 4 years. and i want my parents to see me at my best, not a struggling, snotting, sweating mess 8:17 after the gun. perhaps a glistening, proud, confident athlete conquering time, competitors, and demons.

it very well may be the rush of emotions is exaggerated by the simple fact that the opportunities are decreasing. that was it for indoors. in all likelihood i will never run another indoor race for the rest of my life. i don't want to waste another perfectly good opportunity, races included.